OH THE SUFFERING
Feb. 4th, 2009 02:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spoofmasterI'm hoping to do my book and movie reviews sometime this week, but it hasn't happened yet. There's a lot of other stuff going on right now.
Anyway, on Tuesday in women and film we watched Letter from an Unknown Woman, which is a melodrama that's apparently still pretty popular with certain audiences. It's what was known as a "women's film" or "weepy." It came out in 1948, and it really pissed me off. A proper review will be forthcoming, but in the meantime, I would like to present you with my own little Letter from an Unknown Woman In Five Minutes. And yes, this does contain spoilers, since I'm going over the entire story. I personally wouldn't recommend that you see this movie anyway, but if you're really into angst and self-sacrificing love and all that nonsense and actually want to see this thing, you might want to steer clear.
Basically, it goes like this. Stefan, a former virtuoso pianist, receives a letter the night before he is to take part in a duel. In it, Lisa relates her story, starting out with a statement to the effect that she is probably already dead as he reads it, and that she has always been his. Always. So we go into the letter and see the story unfold.
VIENNA, SOMETIME IN THE LATE 1800's:
Lisa, age 14: *is perfectly happy, if somewhat nondescript*
Stefan: *moves into her building and starts playing his bootiful moosik, though it doesn't ever seem to actually line up with the movements of his hands on the keys*
Lisa: "I HAVE ONLY JUST NOW TRULY BEEN BORN." *proceeds to stalk him, even to the point of sneaking into his apartment and feeling up his piano while he's out*
Stefan: *has women in and out of his apartment constantly, but manages to notice Lisa once when she opens the lobby door for him*
Lisa: *MELTS*
A FEW YEARS LATER:
Lisa's Mom: "I fell in love with some guy and we're going to move to another city."
Lisa: "NEEVEEERR!!!"
Lisa's Mom: "...why not?"
Lisa: "NO REASON." *suffers quietly*
IN...WHEREVER THE HELL THEY MOVED TO:
Lisa's Mom and Stepdad: "Hey, Lisa, meet this Military Guy."
Military Guy: "Hi, Lisa!"
Lisa: "hello." *suffers*
Military Guy: "Hey, now that we've hung out and had some good times for the last few months...wanna get hitched? I think you're swell."
Lisa: "I'M ALREADY ENGAGED."
Military Guy: "Buhwhuh?"
Lisa: *runs away back to Vienna*
BACK IN VIENNA:
Lisa: *gets a job modeling clothes in a shop, and spends all her free time stalking Stefan*
Stefan: *plays moar bootiful moosik*
Lisa: *skulks in the shadows*
Stefan: *is a complete manwhore*
Lisa: *pines*
Stefan: *spots her in the shadows* "Hey, you're pretty cute. Wanna go out with me?"
Lisa: "OMG YES"
Stefan: *takes her out to expensive places* "Tell me about yourself!"
Lisa: "No, you tell me about YOURself!"
Stefan: "...okay!" *does so* "But seriously, I want to know more about you."
Lisa: "I WANT TO MAINTAIN THE SENSE OF MYSTERY." *clearly suffering*
Stefan: "...right. Want to go back to my place?"
Lisa: "Sure!"
Movie: *implies that they had hot sex*
THE NEXT DAY:
Stefan: "Ha-HA! I managed to figure out where you work so I could come see you! But I have to go out of town for two weeks. Wait for me!"
Lisa: "I'll do that." *WEEPS*
NINE MONTHS LATER:
Nun: "Tell us who your baby's father is!"
Lisa: "NO. I WILL SUFFER ALONE!!" *suffers WITH A VENGEANCE*
NINE YEARS LATER:
Lisa: "Oh, look, I've married for the sake of my son!" *completely fails to describe the nine years of single motherhood in 1890's Vienna*
Hubby: "I love you, Lisa."
Stefan Jr.: "I love you, Mother."
Lisa: *puts on veneer of happiness, underneath which she is clearly SUFFERING*
Hubby: "Let's go to the opera!"
Movie: *mangles the second act of The Magic Flute*
Spoofie: *is severely distracted by the mangled Flute business* "...Why is it in Italian all of the sudden?"
Lisa: *runs into Stefan at the opera*
Stefan: "Hey, have we met before?"
Lisa: *weeps and runs off*
Hubby: "WTF wummun, I'm your husband damnit!"
Lisa: "MY LOVE FOR HIM IS ALL-CONSUMING."
Hubby: "Bitch."
Stefan Jr.: *is oblivious*
SOME SHORT TIME LATER:
Lisa: "I'll see you again soon, Stefan Jr." *loads him onto a train, getting in with him for a few minutes to say goodbye*
Stefan Jr.: "I'll see you in two weeks, Mother!"
Lisa: *WEEPS*
Medical Guy 1: "Make way, folks, we've got a typhus-ridden corpse to get off the train here!"
Medical Guy 2: "Gee, I don't think this is going to lead to any suffering or anything!"
SOME SHORT TIME LATER AGAIN:
Lisa: *goes to Stefan's house*
Stefan: "Hey, you're pretty cute and vaguely familiar. Wanna go out with me?"
Lisa: *SUFFERS, FOR HE HAS FAILED TO RECOGNIZE HER*
Stefan: "Whee, champagne!"
Lisa: *sneaks out*
SOME MORE TIME LATER:
Lisa (writing): "...and that's how I came to be here in the hospital, dying of typhus and SUFFERING. ALONE. Oh, and our son died a couple weeks ago, btw."
Stefan (reading): "WHUT."
Note from the nuns: "We figure this letter is probably for you, since she said your name with her final breath and all."
Stefan: "O WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN."
Jealous Hubby: "Hey, dude, it's time for our duel."
Stefan: "I GO TO DIE NOW."
THE END (and the music swells!)
Anyway, on Tuesday in women and film we watched Letter from an Unknown Woman, which is a melodrama that's apparently still pretty popular with certain audiences. It's what was known as a "women's film" or "weepy." It came out in 1948, and it really pissed me off. A proper review will be forthcoming, but in the meantime, I would like to present you with my own little Letter from an Unknown Woman In Five Minutes. And yes, this does contain spoilers, since I'm going over the entire story. I personally wouldn't recommend that you see this movie anyway, but if you're really into angst and self-sacrificing love and all that nonsense and actually want to see this thing, you might want to steer clear.
Basically, it goes like this. Stefan, a former virtuoso pianist, receives a letter the night before he is to take part in a duel. In it, Lisa relates her story, starting out with a statement to the effect that she is probably already dead as he reads it, and that she has always been his. Always. So we go into the letter and see the story unfold.
VIENNA, SOMETIME IN THE LATE 1800's:
Lisa, age 14: *is perfectly happy, if somewhat nondescript*
Stefan: *moves into her building and starts playing his bootiful moosik, though it doesn't ever seem to actually line up with the movements of his hands on the keys*
Lisa: "I HAVE ONLY JUST NOW TRULY BEEN BORN." *proceeds to stalk him, even to the point of sneaking into his apartment and feeling up his piano while he's out*
Stefan: *has women in and out of his apartment constantly, but manages to notice Lisa once when she opens the lobby door for him*
Lisa: *MELTS*
A FEW YEARS LATER:
Lisa's Mom: "I fell in love with some guy and we're going to move to another city."
Lisa: "NEEVEEERR!!!"
Lisa's Mom: "...why not?"
Lisa: "NO REASON." *suffers quietly*
IN...WHEREVER THE HELL THEY MOVED TO:
Lisa's Mom and Stepdad: "Hey, Lisa, meet this Military Guy."
Military Guy: "Hi, Lisa!"
Lisa: "hello." *suffers*
Military Guy: "Hey, now that we've hung out and had some good times for the last few months...wanna get hitched? I think you're swell."
Lisa: "I'M ALREADY ENGAGED."
Military Guy: "Buhwhuh?"
Lisa: *runs away back to Vienna*
BACK IN VIENNA:
Lisa: *gets a job modeling clothes in a shop, and spends all her free time stalking Stefan*
Stefan: *plays moar bootiful moosik*
Lisa: *skulks in the shadows*
Stefan: *is a complete manwhore*
Lisa: *pines*
Stefan: *spots her in the shadows* "Hey, you're pretty cute. Wanna go out with me?"
Lisa: "OMG YES"
Stefan: *takes her out to expensive places* "Tell me about yourself!"
Lisa: "No, you tell me about YOURself!"
Stefan: "...okay!" *does so* "But seriously, I want to know more about you."
Lisa: "I WANT TO MAINTAIN THE SENSE OF MYSTERY." *clearly suffering*
Stefan: "...right. Want to go back to my place?"
Lisa: "Sure!"
Movie: *implies that they had hot sex*
THE NEXT DAY:
Stefan: "Ha-HA! I managed to figure out where you work so I could come see you! But I have to go out of town for two weeks. Wait for me!"
Lisa: "I'll do that." *WEEPS*
NINE MONTHS LATER:
Nun: "Tell us who your baby's father is!"
Lisa: "NO. I WILL SUFFER ALONE!!" *suffers WITH A VENGEANCE*
NINE YEARS LATER:
Lisa: "Oh, look, I've married for the sake of my son!" *completely fails to describe the nine years of single motherhood in 1890's Vienna*
Hubby: "I love you, Lisa."
Stefan Jr.: "I love you, Mother."
Lisa: *puts on veneer of happiness, underneath which she is clearly SUFFERING*
Hubby: "Let's go to the opera!"
Movie: *mangles the second act of The Magic Flute*
Spoofie: *is severely distracted by the mangled Flute business* "...Why is it in Italian all of the sudden?"
Lisa: *runs into Stefan at the opera*
Stefan: "Hey, have we met before?"
Lisa: *weeps and runs off*
Hubby: "WTF wummun, I'm your husband damnit!"
Lisa: "MY LOVE FOR HIM IS ALL-CONSUMING."
Hubby: "Bitch."
Stefan Jr.: *is oblivious*
SOME SHORT TIME LATER:
Lisa: "I'll see you again soon, Stefan Jr." *loads him onto a train, getting in with him for a few minutes to say goodbye*
Stefan Jr.: "I'll see you in two weeks, Mother!"
Lisa: *WEEPS*
Medical Guy 1: "Make way, folks, we've got a typhus-ridden corpse to get off the train here!"
Medical Guy 2: "Gee, I don't think this is going to lead to any suffering or anything!"
SOME SHORT TIME LATER AGAIN:
Lisa: *goes to Stefan's house*
Stefan: "Hey, you're pretty cute and vaguely familiar. Wanna go out with me?"
Lisa: *SUFFERS, FOR HE HAS FAILED TO RECOGNIZE HER*
Stefan: "Whee, champagne!"
Lisa: *sneaks out*
SOME MORE TIME LATER:
Lisa (writing): "...and that's how I came to be here in the hospital, dying of typhus and SUFFERING. ALONE. Oh, and our son died a couple weeks ago, btw."
Stefan (reading): "WHUT."
Note from the nuns: "We figure this letter is probably for you, since she said your name with her final breath and all."
Stefan: "O WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN."
Jealous Hubby: "Hey, dude, it's time for our duel."
Stefan: "I GO TO DIE NOW."
THE END (and the music swells!)
